My first thought when reading the title of today's meditation was the movie The Patriot (the one with Mel Gibson). I used the actual title in the title line of my post today. The mediation tries to encourage us to not question ourselves and have an internal battle with ourselves based on outside influences such as the opinions of other people. It should not be a comparison between our own selves and everyone else. I find this meditation rather intriguing due of the nature of my personality. Quite honestly, it hits a very particular (read touchy) spot in my mind and soul.
My Meyers-Brigg Personality Index is INTJ. I learned my personality index when I was in high school through an online test, but I never appreciated the results or what they were trying to tell me because I did not have life experience. In high school I took the test at least 4 times. I always teetered between INTJ and INFJ. As an adult, I went back and took a different online test and it seems I am more of an INTJ now than I was in high school. (My introvert score went from 89/100 to 100/100, for example.)
Those of us who have the misfortune of being an INTJ know all too well that we internalize absolutely everything. Every life decision, every moment, is an internal battle in our own minds. We frequently blame ourselves when the outcome is not favorable.
I went through my high school years wondering why I was not like my classmates. They were always hanging out, having fun. My internal battle back then: What is wrong with me?
In the years following, my classmates were all getting married, having kids. Family. My dating years were short lived; they started post-high school and did not last beyond my mid-20’s. Being in relationships was extremely stressful. I got to a point where I decided that relationships were an unnecessary complication in (my) life. My internal battles since then: What is wrong with me? Why do relationships have to feel like unnecessary complications? Why don’t I want kids? Why can’t I be normal like everyone else? Why am I broken? Can I be fixed?
Yes, there are INTJs in successful relationships, but we all vary in our personality
breakdowns. There are multiple types of introverts just to start. In my case, I
am far too independent and do not possess the capability to make someone feel
needed; I do not allow myself to be dependent on anyone other than myself for
anything. I do not like feeling that I owe someone for something. I also find
people to be needy when they are looking for attention. There was an instance
where I know it was not me, but in other instances, I am pretty sure the
feeling of trying to hold someone’s hand through life (when they were just
looking for attention) was on me. I know this all sounds selfish and conceited, but to an INTJ, these are sources of severe anxiety and stress. Social interactions, even through work, can be tiresome and painful. We mostly gravitate towards solitude to recuperate from the day. When COVID lock downs were in place, the collective sigh of relief was from all the introverts who prefer to be home and only leave the house for necessary reasons (work, groceries, etc).
In seventh grade, we had to read an abridged version of Flowers for Algernon and the story has been haunting me ever since. It was the first and only time I was ever excited to read an assigned reading. (The full version is on my TBR.) When I got home, I was so very excited to tell my parents about it as reading and reading comprehension was never a strong suit during my scholastic career. They told me there was also a movie called Charly, which I somehow got my hands on and watched. As an eleven- or twelve-year-old reading the story, my take away was ignorance is bliss, but I knew that this was over simplified. As life experiences piled on, I came to understand that the character Charlie had gotten a taste of “normal” and possessed the knowledge that he was going to lose that. (As an adult, I know the story has more meanings and goes far deeper than all of this.)
Every now and then I still compare myself to “normal” people just as Charlie did during his decline. The worst part is knowing that there is something better out there, having a small taste of it, and not being able to keep it. It feels like a failure in life.
The website I used to take my most recent test went as far as trying to tell us that we are NOT broken and that we ARE normal. My immediate reaction? The results/breakdown of the personality analysis was not written by someone that is an INTJ. I still struggle to find how I am not broken (veering from the course) and how I am normal (still veering from the course).
As an INTJ, steering my own course can be extremely difficult. I can tell you from experience that the desire to be “normal” can be powerful. It has clouded my judgment at times and has put me in situations I quickly regret. Then I spend hours asking why I just did this to myself and feeling stupid (thus ending my dating/family ambitions).
Today’s meditation presented quite the challenge for people like me. We spent our entire lives comparing ourselves to others and worrying about what they think of us. How does the habit break?
Incidentally, this is also the start of a new week in the journal. The week’s reflection is not so much a meditation, but a friendly reminder that reflecting on certain questions in the morning is a way to get prepared for the day. Reflecting on the same questions again in the evening is a good way to wind down. Some of the examples posed were based on the last two weeks’ reflections.
The journal question:
Am I staying on course or being steered away?
Both. For the most part, I am staying my own course. There are moments when I think too hard on normalcy and what that means. While the feelings eventually pass; it can be brutal. Brokenness. Loneliness. Feeling inadequate for anyone other than ourselves. Brutal, indeed. At times the feelings and desire to be normal can overtake my course. It can be challenging to get back on course, but eventually I do.
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