My first thought when reading the title of today's meditation was the movie The
Patriot (the one with Mel Gibson). I used the actual title in the title line
of my post today. The mediation tries to encourage us to not question ourselves
and have an internal battle with ourselves based on outside influences such as
the opinions of other people. It should not be a comparison between our own
selves and everyone else. I find this meditation rather intriguing due of the
nature of my personality. Quite honestly, it hits a very particular (read
touchy) spot in my mind and soul.
My Meyers-Brigg Personality Index is INTJ. I learned my personality index
when I was in high school through an online test, but I never appreciated the
results or what they were trying to tell me because I did not have life
experience. In high school I took the test at least 4 times. I always teetered
between INTJ and INFJ. As an adult, I went back and took a different online
test and it seems I am more of an INTJ now than I was in high school. (My
introvert score went from 89/100 to 100/100, for example.)
Those of us who have the misfortune of being an INTJ know all too well that
we internalize absolutely everything. Every life decision, every moment, is an
internal battle in our own minds. We frequently blame ourselves when the
outcome is not favorable.
I went through my high school years wondering why I was not like my
classmates. They were always hanging out, having fun. My internal battle back
then: What is wrong with me?
In the years following, my classmates were all getting married, having kids.
Family. My dating years were short lived; they started post-high school and did
not last beyond my mid-20’s. Being in relationships was extremely stressful. I
got to a point where I decided that relationships were an unnecessary complication
in (my) life. My internal battles since then: What is wrong with me? Why do
relationships have to feel like unnecessary complications? Why don’t I want
kids? Why can’t I be normal like everyone else? Why am I broken? Can I be fixed?
Yes, there are INTJs in successful relationships, but we all vary in our personality
breakdowns. There are multiple types of introverts just to start. In my case, I
am far too independent and do not possess the capability to make someone feel
needed; I do not allow myself to be dependent on anyone other than myself for
anything. I do not like feeling that I owe someone for something. I also find
people to be needy when they are looking for attention. There was an instance
where I know it was not me, but in other instances, I am pretty sure the
feeling of trying to hold someone’s hand through life (when they were just
looking for attention) was on me. I know this all sounds selfish and conceited, but to an INTJ, these are sources of severe anxiety and stress. Social interactions, even through work, can be tiresome and painful. We mostly gravitate towards solitude to recuperate from the day. When COVID lock downs were in place, the collective sigh of relief was from all the introverts who prefer to be home and only leave the house for necessary reasons (work, groceries, etc).
In seventh grade, we had to read an abridged version of Flowers for
Algernon and the story has been haunting me ever since. It was the first
and only time I was ever excited to read an assigned reading. (The full version
is on my TBR.) When I got home, I was so very excited to tell my parents about
it as reading and reading comprehension was never a strong suit during my
scholastic career. They told me there was also a movie called Charly,
which I somehow got my hands on and watched. As an eleven- or twelve-year-old
reading the story, my take away was ignorance is bliss, but I knew that this
was over simplified. As life experiences piled on, I came to understand that
the character Charlie had gotten a taste of “normal” and possessed the knowledge
that he was going to lose that. (As an adult, I know the story has more
meanings and goes far deeper than all of this.)
Every now and then I still compare myself to “normal” people just as Charlie
did during his decline. The worst part is knowing that there is something
better out there, having a small taste of it, and not being able to keep it. It
feels like a failure in life.
The website I used to take my most recent test went as far as trying to tell
us that we are NOT broken and that we ARE normal. My immediate reaction? The
results/breakdown of the personality analysis was not written by someone that
is an INTJ. I still struggle to find how I am not broken (veering from the course)
and how I am normal (still veering from the course).
As an INTJ, steering my own course can be extremely difficult. I can tell
you from experience that the desire to be “normal” can be powerful. It has
clouded my judgment at times and has put me in situations I quickly regret.
Then I spend hours asking why I just did this to myself and feeling stupid (thus
ending my dating/family ambitions).
Today’s meditation presented quite the challenge for people like me. We
spent our entire lives comparing ourselves to others and worrying about what
they think of us. How does the habit break?
Incidentally, this is also the start of a new week in the journal. The week’s
reflection is not so much a meditation, but a friendly reminder that reflecting
on certain questions in the morning is a way to get prepared for the day.
Reflecting on the same questions again in the evening is a good way to wind down.
Some of the examples posed were based on the last two weeks’ reflections.
The journal question:
Am I staying on course or being steered away?
Both. For the most part, I am staying my own course. There are moments when
I think too hard on normalcy and what that means. While the feelings eventually
pass; it can be brutal. Brokenness. Loneliness. Feeling inadequate for anyone
other than ourselves. Brutal, indeed. At times the feelings and desire to be normal
can overtake my course. It can be challenging to get back on course, but
eventually I do.
